Grief and Loss

Grief is a normal and natural response to loss.

We tend to associate grief with the death. The loss of a loved one is one of life’s most painful events. When your spouse dies, your world changes. The death of a parent may be profoundly difficult. And, the impact of losing a close friend, sibling, or other important person can be accompanied by very intense feelings.

We also grieve nondeath losses. Many life events can trigger grief - the end of a relationship, a major illness, injury, loss of a job, financial hardships, or any significant life change. Nondeath losses can be uniquely painful and may be accompanied by complex emotional responses.

If you find that time has not healed your wounds and that you need additional support, I am here to listen and companion with you as you process the emotions, thoughts, and changes that accompany this time of transition in your life.

What is grief?

Grief is the day-to-day experiencing of the loss. That includes your feelings, your thoughts and how you get through the day/night.

  • There is no timeline for grieving. Your grief may be relatively brief. Or you may find that you grieve, in some form, for the rest of your life.

  • You can grieve death and nondeath losses. Any significant loss may be grieved.

  • Grief is unique to the individual. You may be surprised or confused by your reaction to loss. Grief is affected by coping style, comfort with emotions, personality, situational factors, and relationship with the deceased. It is common to experience a need to cry, laugh, or run away. Your emotions may also ebb and flow. You may oscillate between confronting the loss and avoiding it. You may need quiet and solitude. You may grieve as you stay busy. Or you may find that you feel nothing.

    Grief is unique to the individual and because of this you may feel isolated in your grief. And our grief-averse culture can leave you feeling alone.

Grief has changed me.

Grief and loss will change you. You may find that you have new priorities. You may also notice a new sensitivity to the loss of others. Or you may even find that you question your beliefs. Some people question the meaning of life after a significant loss.

What does grief look and feel like?

There are no universals; however, some of the more common experiences are listed below.

  • Emotional Experiences

    Sadness, fear, anxiety, panic, shock, anger, blame, irritability, numbness, guilt, vulnerability, loneliness, fatigue, hopelessness, helplessness, powerlessness, yearning, relief, apathy, and numbness.

  • Behavioral Experiences

    Sleep disturbance, changes in eating, absentminded behavior, social withdrawal, dreams of the deceased, avoiding reminders, searching/calling out for the deceased, sighting, restless hyperactivity, crying, visiting places/carrying reminders of the deceased, and treasuring objects that belonged to the deceased.

  • Cognitive Experiences

    Forgetfulness, disbelief, depersonalization (nothing seems real), confusion, difficulty concentrating, slowed thinking, preoccupation, obsessive thoughts of the deceased, having a hard time making decisions

  • Physical Experiences

    Physical symptoms tend to be experienced earlier in the grief process. This may include exhaustion, tightness in throat, tightness in chest, heart palpitations, hollowness in the stomach, insomnia, lack of energy, fatigue, dry mouth, nausea, back pain, headache, abdominal pain, shortness of breath, dizziness, weakness in muscles, and oversensitivity to noise.

Ambiguous Loss

My loved one has changed and I miss the person I knew before.

One of the hardest things about living with ambiguous loss is that your experience is rarely, if ever, validated.

Examples of Ambiguous Loss

  • Your loved one is physically present but changed in profound ways, such as severe brain injury, addiction, or severe mental illness.

  • Your loved one is physically present and there is a shift or transition (i.e. religious conversation and gender identity).

  • Your loved one is physically absent but present in your heart and mind.

With an ambiguous loss, there is usually a very real sense of fear, anxiety, and uncertainty about the person’s fate. It is common to feel alone, frozen, or confused - locked inside a painful loss that remains open and unending. Ambiguity and uncertainty seem to deepen the wound. I know that it is not easy to live with an ambiguous loss and an uncertain future. And, I am committed to supporting you during this difficult time.

“Grief for the living aches in the heart’s most hopeful chamber.” - Angie Weiland-Crosby.

Disenfranchised Loss

Why do I feel like I don’t have the right to grieve?

There are many reasons for this. But let’s consider two reasons. First, we live in a culture that doesn’t understand loss and grief. Our grief-averse culture leaves grievers feeling isolated. Secondly, let’s look at the type of loss. Society doesn’t recognize or validate all forms of grief equally. Some types of grief are not acknowledged or accepted.

A few examples of disenfranchised loss include loss of physical health, loss of home, loss of community/culture, miscarriage, infertility, abortion, estrangement from family, brain injury, dementia, severe mental illness, addiction, incarceration, and loss of faith.

Disenfranchised grief is highly personal. What is painful for one person, family, or community may not be so for another. This may increase feelings of isolation, anger, or shame. It can feel as if your pain is invisible to the world.

What can I do?

Please do not allow others to talk you out of your personal experience. Honor your own way of experiencing and grieving a loss, even when… or rather, especially when society fails to validate your experience.

You may have to actively search for connection and support. Look for support groups with people that have experienced something similar. Many believe that disenfranchised grief is the most difficult kind of grief because of the lack of social support and validation - two things that are very helpful in the grieving process.

“The soul would have no rainbow, had the eyes no tears.”

— John Vance Chaney

 

Counseling

Grief is a normal response to loss. However, there are times when counseling can be helpful. You may want to think about counseling if you are feeling overwhelmed, stuck, or struggling to make it through each day. Counseling can help you integrate death or non-death losses into your life. Depending on the nature of the relationship, this may mean maintaining bonds with your loved one rather than relinquishing them. Let’s give some attention to the wound that never got the attention it needed to properly heal.

All services are online. No in-person services are available.