Back in the 1990s, there was a belief among many in the field of psychology that the mind is “set” after we reach a certain age. After all, our frontal lobes appear to be fully developed by age 27.

However, current neuroscience research suggests that this is not the case. Our minds are capable of change, healing and growth throughout our lifespan. The term, neuroplasticity, is used to describe the process in which the brain adapts in response to new experiences. Our brains are capable of changing in structure and function.

And, counseling can play a role in the process of change. Psychotherapy has the potential to effect change by strengthening synaptic connections and changing the anatomical pattern of interconnections between nerve cells (Doidge, 2007).

I would encourage anyone interested in the topic of neuroplasticity to read “The Brain that Changes Itself” by Norman Doidge. On a personal note, this is one of the first books that I read after my daughter’s brain injury. It provided me with a solid foundation of hope during many years of rehabilitation as I watched my daughter relearn how to speak, read, write, process information and regulate emotions, as well as navigate a very new, unfamiliar (and often cruel) world.

This quote by Samuel Decker Thompson, sums up what I have learned in the years that I’ve had the privilege of working in this field: “We are all just one car crash, diagnosis, unexpected phone call, broken heart away from becoming a very different person. How beautifully fragile are we that so many things can take but a moment but alter our lives forever.”

It is quite common for us to think about our identities as “fixed”.  However, subtle changes may be occurring over time without our awareness. It is very similar to the physical changes that happen over time. If you compare a recent picture with an old picture of yourself, you will probably notice some differences. But, what about the internal changes? Are you the same person you were 5 years ago, 10 years ago, even 20 or 30 years ago? If not, what kind of changes do you notice? Do you know when the change began?

I invite you to think about your personal changes as you read through this post.

Personal growth – which is generally a net-positive change - can come with feelings of loss. A change in lifestyle, ending a toxic relationship, getting sober, stopping generational patterns of problematic behaviors, etc., are positive changes that may include some sense of loss. You may find that you have little in common with others in your circle of friends and family. They may want the “old you” back. You may even miss the “old” or “before” you. You may find that you struggle to find footing in your new identity.

It can take a while to fully understand and appreciate all that has changed within you. The same is true of friends and family. They may need some time to adapt and adjust. When it comes to family and friends, you may want to ask yourself a few questions:

• Does this person know that I’ve changed?

• Have I talked to him/her about how the changes may impact our relationship?

• Is this person doing his/her best to accept the changes although there may be moments when he/she struggles to adapt or adjust?

The answers to these questions may help you determine the best path forward.

There are also times when we do not actively choose the change that happens to us. This is often the case with an illness, injury, traumatic event, or significant loss. These types of changes can be seismic and sudden. They may overwhelm your personal resources. You may find it difficult to cope. You may experience sadness, anxiety, anger, isolation, or frustration. These types of changes may also impact your identity, self-esteem, or relationships. Some changes can come with a loss of dreams, employment, confidence, security, social standing, and many more challenges. The process of reimaging and reinventing yourself may be accompanied by a long farewell to who you once were.

It is normal and natural to grieve the losses that come with change – even personal growth and positive change. The way that you reconcile these changes and losses is individual to you. But it is okay to feel two things at once. You may feel excited about the positive changes in your life while a part of you grieves. If the change is something you did not choose, the process of healing may take many unexpected paths. Reaching out for help – whether that includes counseling, rehabilitation services, or peer support - can be a positive choice.

We are never quite “finished”. We are always adjusting to what life brings – crisis, joys, challenges, new beginnings, losses, personal growth, or new developmental stages. We are continually being asked to grow, learn, change… and “let go”. Grief and loss are often natural companions to change.

What have you noticed about the changes in your life? How have the changes impacted you, your identity, or your relationships?

Perfectionism is part biology and part environment. Some children seem to have a predisposition toward increased sensitivity, anxiety, and perfectionism. However, upbringing and environment are enormously influential. When some children are raised in a critical environment with unrealistically high expectations, it is scary to make mistakes and the child must find a way to cope and survive.

Perfectionism is an instinctual defense for children floundering in anxiety and fear. (Walker, 2013)

Perfectionism offers a sense of direction and purpose. It gives children a place to channel feeling of “not being enough” without jeopardizing their relationship with their caregivers. Children need the adults in their lives for survival. Rather than risk losing those relationships or being punished, the internal critic (or super ego) overrides the child’s sense of self (or healthy ego) with the goal of gaining control and acceptance.

Having high standards and expectations can serve us well. When it starts to impact our wellbeing or relationships, however, it may be necessary to re-examine our beliefs and find balance.

A few signs of perfectionism are:

• Chronic procrastination

• Analyzing and agonizing over very small details,

• Constantly checking and re-checking

• Inability to complete a task or assignment

• Overthinking

Feelings of anxiety, frustration, depression, and anger are commonly associated with high levels of perfectionism. Perfectionism and anxiety tend to have a cyclical relationship. Anxiety increases when we are constantly trying to meet very high standards. Quite often there is a fear of judgement or failure at the root. When we take a closer look at perfectionism, we also see themes of:

• Self-hate, self-disgust

• Micromanagement

• Worrying / obsessing / looping

• Guilt / shame

• Over-productivity / workaholism

• Harsh judgements (about yourself and others) / name calling

If you find that perfectionism is having a negative impact on your life, there are a few things you can try to reduce the impact.

• Perspective taking. Try looking at the situation through someone else’s eyes. Would a friend see the situation differently? Sometimes it can be hard for people who struggle with perfectionism to see things from a different point of view.

• Look at the big picture. Zoom out a little. Are the small details important in the grand scheme of things? What is the worst thing that can happen if you make a small mistake?

• Practice realistic statements. Remind yourself that everyone makes mistakes sometimes. Over time and with practice, you may find that you allow yourself and others a little more grace.

Your Inner Critic

Our inner critic begins to develop at an early age. Messages of judgement and criticism from others are recorded in our psyches and can be replayed, even without our awareness. For some of us, it can feel so normal that we don’t even notice or question the messages.

Sometimes an inner critic will sound like a critical parent. Or it may be the voice of a teacher, pastor, neighbor, or peer. And it may even be the internalized voice of the collective that echoes in our mind - the culture, community, or system of rules, beliefs, judgements, and assumptions that surround us every day of our lives. Once the voice(s) become internalized, we injure ourselves countless times by repeating the same well-rehearsed, self-defeating criticisms.

When we experience abuse in childhood, our minds can become dominated by the negative messages from those who abuse us. An inner critic, that develops in an environment of abuse, can be especially loud and stubborn. It can be a bully that continues to cast the long shadow of abuse over your life. The way that we talk to ourselves and the criticisms that we give energy to can contribute to feelings of overwhelm, perfectionism, depression, anxiety, and so much more.

So how do you challenge your inner critic?

• Build Awareness. The first step is to notice and become aware of how you talk to yourself and the messages that you have internalized.

  • Notice the impact on your life. Does the inner critic prevent you from expressing your needs, keep you from trying new things, or keep you from living your most authentic life? Does it make you feel a failure or that you are unworthy of love?

  • Ask yourself if this is how you would talk to a friend. It is common for many people, especially survivors of abuse, to talk to themselves in ways that they would never talk to a friend. As an example, a harsh inner critic may replay the message “I’m such a loser” after a mistake is made. But that same person would probably respond to a friend in the same situation with compassion, perhaps even reminding the friend that we all make mistakes.

• Thought stopping. Notice negative thoughts and make a conscious effort to STOP the thought. It may help visualize a STOP sign and tell yourself to stop.

• Anger. When there is a history of trauma, anger may be your friend, according to Walker (2013). He proposes that yelling “NO” and not allowing the critic to hijack your self-worth is a form of self-protection.

Inner critics can very stubborn and enduring. The work that it takes to quiet the inner critic may feel daunting, especially if there is a history of abuse or trauma. It can feel like you’re constantly taking two steps forward and one step back. But developing the ability to quiet (or challenge) your inner critic, even a little, can help your move away from some of the more destructive or unhelpful patterns in your life.

Ambiguous loss is unique and different from other types of losses because it is steeped in uncertainty. This uncertainty can impact one’s identity and relationships. People crave clarity but often find little. For this reason, it can be one of the most difficult losses that people experience. Pauline Boss (1999) describes ambiguous loss as frozen grief. She writes, “ambiguous loss can freeze people in place so that they can’t move on with their lives.”

One of the hardest things about living with ambiguous loss is that your experience is rarely, if ever, validated. Other people may not even see it as a loss. Some examples of ambiguous loss are:

Examples of Ambiguous Loss

• Your loved one is physically absent but present in your heart and mind. Two examples are:

  • Military Families. Your loved one is away on military assignment. This can be an especially difficult time for many military families although few people outside of the military community are aware of the sacrifices made by military members and their families.

  • Incarceration. Another example is a loved one that is incarcerated. The removal of a loved one from day-to-day family life can be very challenging. Sometimes, family members are afraid to even acknowledge that they miss their loved one because of the immense stigma around incarceration.

• Your loved one is physically present but changed in profound ways, such as severe brain injury, addiction, or severe mental illness. “When the loss is the result of a disability or illness, even strong families need help managing the stress,” (Boss, 1999). Few things can impact us like a loved one’s addiction or severe mental illness. It’s common to see high levels of anxiety within the family. They will often say that they do not feel like a “normal” family indicating that there is little understanding within society regarding the impact of these situations on their lives.

• Your loved one is physically present and there is a shift or transition (i.e. religious conversion and gender identity). Research suggests that some family members experience ambiguous loss and grief in reaction to these types of changes. In the case of religious conversion or deconstruction, there may be a fear about their loved one’s eternal fate. Along those same lines, some may worry about the future of their transgender family member. And it is also important to recognize that this can be a profoundly difficult time in your loved one’s life, as well:

• • Religious Conversion or Deconstruction. When one begins to deconstruct a set of religious beliefs, they may lose an entire network of support, connection, and community. It is common to feel isolated and alone.

  • Gender Transition. Transgender persons can experience the same loss of community and support, but with the additional burden of having to navigate a rejecting, stigmatizing – and sometimes cruel - society.

With an ambiguous loss, there is usually a very real sense of fear, anxiety, and uncertainty about the person’s fate. It is common to feel alone, frozen, or confused - locked inside a painful loss that remains open and unending. Ambiguity and uncertainty seem to deepen the wound.

You may find that you experience many different emotions. It’s important not to compare your experience with that of others. We are all unique. Additionally, it isn’t helpful to minimize your feelings, just because your situation does not include death. Your emotions are valid. Feelings of loss and sadness are an expected response to these types of challenges and changes. If you are struggling, counseling may be helpful.

What is family estrangement?

It happens when one family member decides to end regular contact with another. It is commonly called a cutoff and it is one of the most painful and complex things that can happen to a family.

How common is family estrangement?

Social media is filled with idealized images of families. You’ve probably never seen pictures of a family in conflict or struggling – there are no unfiltered images of tear-streaked, dejected faces. If you are estranged from your family, you may not know how common it is. You might feel alone and stigmatized as you scroll images of “happy” families. However, family estrangement is quite common and there are many others out there – like you - that are struggling with being cutoff.

• A recent large-scale nation-wide survey found that 27% of adults have severed contact with at least one family member. That is approximately 67 million people.

• Another survey showed that 10% of mothers are estranged from at least adult one child. Most often, it is the adult child that initiates the cut-off.

• A recent survey revealed that 39% of undergrad student and 16% of graduate student were cut off from nuclear family members.

• The most common time for a family cut-off to happen is between age 24-35. This is also a period of development known as young adulthood. During young adulthood, many desire more autonomy and independence. They generally have a more developed sense of their own preferences, likes, dislikes, and personal philosophies. Parents of adult children may have difficulty allowing for the level of detachment and differentiation necessary for a maturing relationship.

Why do people cut family members out of their lives?

This is a tough question to answer. Every family is unique, and every estrangement has its own story with many twists and turns. A few of the more common causes of estrangement are

• a history of harsh parenting, abuse, or neglect,

• reactive or hostile communication,

• unresolved conflict,

• addiction,

• parental favoritism,

• lack of emotional safety,

• opposing beliefs / different core values,

• lifestyle choices, and

• rejection.

Within the LBGTQ+ community, parental rejection of one’s sexuality or gender is still common. Dealing with unacceptance in many communities is painful enough, rejection that begins at home cuts deeply and can have a devasting impact. Young adults that experience family rejection are eight time more likely to report having attempted suicide. Often, LGBTQ+ family members will hide very important aspects of themselves to maintain relationships with family members.

While there is usually a build-up, family estrangement may happen following a turning point or significant event. The turning point can feel like the “last straw”.  Turning points are often accompanied by increasing family tension. Some common turning points are divorce, death of a parent, moving away from home, marriage (conflict with in-laws), or parent illness. The most common turning point for cutoff between siblings is the death of a parent, especially when there are clashes over inheritance. The legacy of a will extends beyond the financial impact. The will can be a tangible symbol of favoritism, disapproval, and rejection that endures over the remainder of one’s life with no means of remedy and no way to repair the hurt.

Why do these things lead to cut-off in some families and not others? 

No family is immune. All families are imperfect. Estrangement can happen to any family. Providing a “decent or good” childhood does not prevent challenges and difficulties with adult children. However, families that support open communication, individual autonomy, and emotional safety are less likely to experience estrangement.

Why is family estrangement so painful?

Relationships are foundational to our well-being. When you are born, you must depend on others for your very survival. Family members are often the most important relationships in in childhood. The loss of these relationships is quite profound. We long to belong. We need attachment with others.

The silence of absence can be very painful. It is common to grieve the absence of family members from your life. You might also feel frustrated, angry, confused, and ashamed. And through it all, you may feel isolated and suffer in silence because there is a cultural stigma around family estrangement.

What about reconciliation?

Reconciliation is possible in many situations but not easy. Here are few things to keep in mind.

• Take some time for self-reflection. How do you handle intense emotions, relationship challenges, and conflict? Learn to recognize your triggers. Developing new insight and learning new coping strategies may benefit you, even if you decide not to re-engage with the relationship.

• Know your boundaries. As you re-engage in the relationship, spend some time thinking and talking about clear limits and healthy boundaries.

• Remember that you and your family member are both complex human beings with vulnerabilities and challenges.

• Avoid communicating while under the influence of alcohol or drugs.

• You may need to change your expectations and come to a new understanding of your relationship. You cannot change someone else. Each person will need to decide which changes, if any, they are willing to make for the sake of the relationship. It may take some negotiation and compromise.

• You may continue to see things (especially events in the past) from different perspectives.  

• An apology may not come in the way that you desire.

• Estrangement freezes the relationship in time. Take some time to get to know each other, again. You may find that you’ve both changed.

What if reconciliation is not possible?

• Take good care of yourself. Make your physical health a priority. Get adequate sleep. Exercise. Eat regularly.

• Dedicate some time to nurturing and healing yourself. Self-care looks different for everyone. Choose what works for you – prayer, meditation, mindfulness, yoga, reading, music, dance, going on a new adventure, making time for rest & relaxation, spending time in nature, exploring new interest, etc.

• Know that you may experience many different emotions – sadness, anger, confusion, frustration, or relief. Be gentle with yourself as you process different emotions. It is difficult to come to terms with a family member’s absence. This type of loss is rarely validated. Allow yourself some grace and compassion.

• Build new relationships. Isolation can add the pain. Look for ways to build new loving, supportive relationships.

• Write and rehearse short script for awkward interactions. People may ask questions or offer unsolicited advice. However, you are under no obligation to share personal or painful experiences. For those that you chose not to engage, here are a couple short scripts: “This is a private matter between ____ and I.” or “Surely you understand how painful this is for me and can respect my decision not to talk about it.”.

• Consider counseling to help you work through your thoughts and feelings during this difficult experience.

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References

Carr, K., et al. Giving Voice to the Silence of Family Estrangement: Comparing Reasons of Estranged Parents and Adult Children in a Nonmatched Sample. Journal of Family Communication,2015; 15.

Gilligan M, Suitor JJ, & Pillemer K. Estrangement between mothers and adult children: The role of norms and values: Estrangement between mothers and adult children. Journal of Marriage and Family Therapy. 2015; 77.

Pillemer, K. (2020). Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them. Penguin Random House, New York.

Ryan, W., & Conti, R. Family Cutoff Prevalence and Distress Predictors. Journal of Psychology and Behavioral Science 2015; 3.