Trauma | PTSD
You’ve been through a lot. And you’ve come a long way.
But there are nights that you can’t sleep. You are constantly on-guard, watchful, or easily startled. Perhaps, there is a feeling of being numb or detached. Or you may find that you avoid people, places, and things that bring up “bad” memories.
You don’t have to go through this alone. There is a path forward and therapy can help in your journey toward healing.
Heart-Centered Psychotherapy for
~ Abuse | Assault
~ Accident | Injury
~ Traumatic Loss
~ Religious Trauma
~ Illness / Medical Trauma
~Intergenerational Trauma
What is trauma?
We all experience adversity during our lifetimes. Sometimes, however, a traumatic event can overwhelm our ability to cope. This is especially true when the experience is very distressing, frightening, or life-threatening.
Examples of trauma include war/combat, natural disasters, physical assault, sexual assault, accidents, illnesses, witnessing bodily harm or death, and exposure to school violence.
Some types of trauma may fly under the radar but may continue to impact our lives. Childhood abuse and neglect are examples. Witnessing domestic violence during childhood is another example.
How does trauma show up in my life?
We all have bad memories and fears that seem to creep in when we least expect them. But if you are a trauma survivor, your past doesn’t feel like it’s in the past. It keeps showing up in your present.
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) refers to a series of reactions that arise in response to trauma. Some of the ways that PTSD show up are:
~ Trouble sleeping.
~ Repeated, disturbing, unwanted memories/dreams or flashbacks.
~ Anxiety, fear, anger, shame, grief, or sadness.
~ Having a strong physical reaction when something reminds you of the traumatic experience (for example, heart pounding, trouble breathing, sweating)
~ Avoiding people, places, activities, things, memories, thoughts, or feelings related to the stressful experience
~ Trouble experiencing positive feelings
~ Feeling distant or cut off from people.
~ Being "super alert", easily startled, watchful or on guard.
Why would something that happened way back in childhood still impact me?
Childhood experiences and interactions influence brain development. Early experiences shape the way we see ourselves, others, and the world. In childhood, we form attachments with adults and learn how to cope with life’s challenges. Safe, stable, nurturing relationships and environments in childhood are the building blocks for future healthy relationships and coping skills. Negative experiences can contribute to poorer mental and physical health as adults.
Although we cannot undo the past, we can heal from it. And we can change generational narratives and interrupt cycles of abuse. Counseling can help strengthen the tools needed to challenge old narratives, overcome trust issues, make more meaningful connections with others, or regain a sense of emotional balance.
How does trauma affect my relationships?
Trauma can show up in different ways.
~ It can block us from connecting with others. Intimacy can be challenging. We might keep people at arm’s length even though we really want to connect.
~ We may find that we blow-up or completely shut down when triggered, creating further distance in the relationship.
~ It can be hard to share our thoughts and feelings, especially in a vulnerable way.
~ We (and our partners) may feel isolated or alone in the relationship.
“One day you will tell your story of how you overcame what you went through and it will be someone else’s survival guide.”
— Brene Brown
Recovery and Healing
Just as trauma has many dimensions, so too does recovery and healing. Healing is an individual experience. What works for one person may not work for you.
Some of us may find comfort with trusted friends, family, allies, or spiritual fellowship. Others of us may find interaction with other people too difficult or exhausting.
Solace may be found by connecting with nature, being with a loyal pet, or exercising. Mediation, prayer, art, music, and reading can also help.
If you are experiencing ongoing fear, confusion, relationship challenges, emotional pain, or other other symptoms of trauma, counseling can be helpful.
Want to learn more about trauma?
Scroll through these articles and see what catches your attention.
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Maria Trozzi, Talking with Children About Loss, uses the metaphor of lifeboat to help families better understand the need to include everyone in process of grief. I’ve also found this metaphor to also be helpful for families living through a traumatic event, including brain injury. Sometimes, in an effort to protect our children and shield them from pain, we overlook their need to be both included.
Every family member must put on his/her life jacket and get into the lifeboat together to survive the storm.
You will experience waves of emotion, challenging behaviors, uncertainty, and losses. If you leave some members out in the deep dark water alone without survival gear, they will feel isolated and alone. Everyone needs connection and information. Without information, people (especially children) fill in the blanks with fear and fantasy. You are all in this together. The following suggestions are offered to help you navigate rough waters with your family.
provide honest explanations,
be willing to talk about all the changes in your lives,
allow for grieving and expression of emotion, and
notice any changes in roles or behavior among family members (i.e. children behaving like little adults, becoming invisible, acting as if they have no needs or emotions, etc.)
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How do you talk to yourself?
Our inner critic begins to develop at an early age. Messages of judgement and criticism from others are recorded in our psyches and can be replayed, even without our awareness. For some of us, it can feel so normal that we don’t even notice or question the messages.
Sometimes an inner critic will sound like a critical parent. Or it may be the voice of a teacher, pastor, neighbor, or peer. And it may even be the internalized voice of the collective that echoes in our mind - the culture, community, or system of rules, beliefs, judgements, and assumptions that surround us every day of our lives. Once the voice(s) become internalized, we injure ourselves countless times by repeating the same well-rehearsed, self-defeating criticisms.
When we experience abuse in childhood, our minds can become dominated by the negative messages from those who abuse us. An inner critic, that develops in an environment of abuse, can be especially loud and stubborn. It can be a bully that continues to cast the long shadow of abuse over your life. The way that we talk to ourselves and the criticisms that we give energy to can contribute to feelings of overwhelm, perfectionism, depression, anxiety, and so much more.
So how do you challenge your inner critic?
Build Awareness. The first step is to notice and become aware of how you talk to yourself and the messages that you have internalized.
Notice the impact on your life. Does the inner critic prevent you from expressing your needs, keep you from trying new things, or keep you from living your most authentic life? Does it make you feel a failure or that you are unworthy of love?
Ask yourself if this is how you would talk to a friend. It is common for many people, especially survivors of abuse, to talk to themselves in ways that they would never talk to a friend. As an example, a harsh inner critic may replay the message “I’m such a loser” after a mistake is made. But that same person would probably respond to a friend in the same situation with compassion, perhaps even reminding the friend that we all make mistakes.
Thought stopping. Notice negative thoughts and make a conscious effort to STOP the thought. It may help visualize a STOP sign and tell yourself to stop.
Anger. When there is a history of trauma, anger may be your friend, according to Walker (2013). He proposes that yelling “NO” and not allowing the critic to hijack your self-worth is a form of self-protection.
Inner critics can very stubborn and enduring. The work that it takes to quiet the inner critic may feel daunting, especially if there is a history of abuse or trauma. It can feel like you’re constantly taking two steps forward and one step back. But developing the ability to quiet (or challenge) your inner critic, even a little, can help your move away from some of the more destructive or unhelpful patterns in your life.
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Ambiguous loss is unique and different from other types of losses because it is steeped in uncertainty. This uncertainty can impact one’s identity and relationships. People crave clarity but often find little. For this reason, it can be one of the most difficult losses that people experience. Pauline Boss (1999) describes ambiguous loss as frozen grief. She writes, “ambiguous loss can freeze people in place so that they can’t move on with their lives.”
One of the hardest things about living with ambiguous loss is that your experience is rarely, if ever, validated. Other people may not even see it as a loss. Some examples of ambiguous loss are:
Examples of Ambiguous Loss
Your loved one is physically absent but present in your heart and mind. Two examples are:
Military Families. Your loved one is away on military assignment. This can be an especially difficult time for many military families although few people outside of the military community are aware of the sacrifices made by military members and their families.
Incarceration. Another example is a loved one that is incarcerated. The removal of a loved one from day-to-day family life can be very challenging. Sometimes, family members are afraid to even acknowledge that they miss their loved one because of the immense stigma around incarceration.
Your loved one is physically present but changed in profound ways, such as severe brain injury, addiction, or severe mental illness. “When the loss is the result of a disability or illness, even strong families need help managing the stress,” (Boss, 1999). Few things can impact us like a loved one’s addiction or severe mental illness. It’s common to see high levels of anxiety within the family. They will often say that they do not feel like a “normal” family indicating that there is little understanding within society regarding the impact of these situations on their lives.
Your loved one is physically present and there is a shift or transition (i.e. religious conversion and gender identity). Research suggests that some family members experience ambiguous loss and grief in reaction to these types of changes. In the case of religious conversion or deconstruction, there may be a fear about their loved one’s eternal fate. Along those same lines, some may worry about the future of their transgender family member. And it is also important to recognize that this can be a profoundly difficult time in your loved one’s life, as well:
Religious Conversion or Deconstruction. When one begins to deconstruct a set of religious beliefs, they may lose an entire network of support, connection, and community. It is common to feel isolated and alone.
Gender Transition. Transgender persons can experience the same loss of community and support, but with the additional burden of having to navigate a rejecting, stigmatizing – and sometimes cruel - society.
With an ambiguous loss, there is usually a very real sense of fear, anxiety, and uncertainty about the person’s fate. It is common to feel alone, frozen, or confused - locked inside a painful loss that remains open and unending. Ambiguity and uncertainty seem to deepen the wound.
You may find that you experience many different emotions. It’s important not to compare your experience with that of others. We are all unique. Additionally, it isn’t helpful to minimize your feelings, just because your situation does not include death. Your emotions are valid. Feelings of loss and sadness are an expected response to these types of challenges and changes. If you are struggling, counseling may be helpful.
Reference
Boss, P. (1999). Ambiguous Loss: Learning to Live with Unresolved Grief
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Why do I feel like I don’t have the right to grieve?
There are many reasons for this. But let’s consider two reasons.
First, we live in a culture that doesn’t understand loss and grief. Our grief-averse culture leaves grievers feeling isolated.
Secondly, let’s look at the type of loss. Society doesn’t recognize or validate all forms of grief equally. Some types of grief are not acknowledged or accepted. A few examples of disenfranchised loss include
loss of physical health,
loss of home,
loss of community/culture,
miscarriage,
infertility,
abortion,
estrangement from family,
brain injury,
dementia,
severe mental illness,
addiction,
incarceration, and
loss of faith.
Disenfranchised grief is highly personal. What is painful for one person, family, or community may not be so for another. This may increase feelings of isolation, anger, or shame. It can feel as if your pain is invisible to the world.
What can I do?
Please do not allow others to talk you out of your personal experience. Honor your own way of experiencing and grieving a loss, even when… or rather, especially when society fails to validate your experience.
You may have to actively search for connection and support. Look for support groups with people that have experienced something similar. Many believe that disenfranchised grief is one of the most difficult kind of grief because of the lack of social support and validation - two things that are very helpful in the grieving process.
Counseling
Treating trauma is complicated, challenging, deeply personal, and never one size fits all. Each person is different. Counseling is about doing what feels right for you. Some people feel the need to revisit their experiences to heal. But you may not feel this way. Counseling doesn’t always mean processing all the details. It is possible to progress through treatment and experience healing without sharing your entire story.
Counseling can help you identify what you need to overcome the impact of the trauma. I’m here to help you as you move toward the life that you want.