Perfectionism
Perfection Perfectionism is part biology and part environment. Some children seem to have a predisposition toward increased sensitivity, anxiety, and perfectionism. However, upbringing and environment are enormously influential. When some children are raised in a critical environment with unrealistically high expectations, it is scary to make mistakes and the child must find a way to cope and survive.
Perfectionism is an instinctual defense for children floundering in anxiety and fear. (Walker, 2013)
Perfectionism offers a sense of direction and purpose. It gives children a place to channel feeling of “not being enough” without jeopardizing their relationship with their caregivers. Children need the adults in their lives for survival. Rather than risk losing those relationships or being punished, the internal critic (or super ego) overrides the child’s sense of self (or healthy ego) with the goal of gaining control and acceptance.
Having high standards and expectations can serve us well. When it starts to impact our wellbeing or relationships, however, it may be necessary to re-examine our beliefs and find balance.
A few signs of perfectionism are:
Chronic procrastination
Analyzing and agonizing over very small details,
Constantly checking and re-checking
Inability to complete a task or assignment
Overthinking
Feelings of anxiety, frustration, depression, and anger are commonly associated with high levels of perfectionism. Perfectionism and anxiety tend to have a cyclical relationship. Anxiety increases when we are constantly trying to meet very high standards. Quite often there is a fear of judgement or failure at the root. When we take a closer look at perfectionism, we also see themes of:
Self-hate, self-disgust
Micromanagement
Worrying / obsessing / looping
Guilt / shame
Over-productivity / workaholism
Harsh judgements (about yourself and others) / name calling
If you find that perfectionism is having a negative impact on your life, there are a few things you can try to reduce the impact.
Perspective taking. Try looking at the situation through someone else’s eyes. Would a friend see the situation differently? Sometimes it can be hard for people who struggle with perfectionism to see things from a different point of view.
Look at the big picture. Zoom out a little. Are the small details important in the grand scheme of things? What is the worst thing that can happen if you make a small mistake?
Practice realistic statements. Remind yourself that everyone makes mistakes sometimes. Over time and with practice, you may find that you allow yourself and others a little more grace.
Emily Watson, MA, LMFT, GC-C
Reference: Walker, P. (2013) Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving. An Azure Coyote Book.
