The Inner Critic
How do you talk to yourself?
Our inner critic begins to develop at an early age. Messages of judgement and criticism from others are recorded in our psyches and can be replayed, even without our awareness. For some of us, it can feel so normal that we don’t even notice or question the messages.
Sometimes an inner critic will sound like a critical parent. Or it may be the voice of a teacher, pastor, neighbor, or peer. And it may even be the internalized voice of the collective that echoes in our mind - the culture, community, or system of rules, beliefs, judgements, and assumptions that surround us every day of our lives. Once the voice(s) become internalized, we injure ourselves countless times by repeating the same well-rehearsed, self-defeating criticisms.
When we experience abuse in childhood, our minds can become dominated by the negative messages from those who abuse us. An inner critic, that develops in an environment of abuse, can be especially loud and stubborn. It can be a bully that continues to cast the long shadow of abuse over your life. The way that we talk to ourselves and the criticisms that we give energy to can contribute to feelings of overwhelm, perfectionism, depression, anxiety, and so much more.
So how do you challenge your inner critic?
Build Awareness. The first step is to notice and become aware of how you talk to yourself and the messages that you have internalized.
Notice the impact on your life. Does the inner critic prevent you from expressing your needs, keep you from trying new things, or keep you from living your most authentic life? Does it make you feel a failure or that you are unworthy of love?
Ask yourself if this is how you would talk to a friend. It is common for many people, especially survivors of abuse, to talk to themselves in ways that they would never talk to a friend. As an example, a harsh inner critic may replay the message “I’m such a loser” after a mistake is made. But that same person would probably respond to a friend in the same situation with compassion, perhaps even reminding the friend that we all make mistakes.
Thought stopping. Notice negative thoughts and make a conscious effort to STOP the thought. It may help visualize a STOP sign and tell yourself to stop.
Anger. When there is a history of trauma, anger may be your friend, according to Walker (2013). He proposes that yelling “NO” and not allowing the critic to hijack your self-worth is a form of self-protection.
Inner critics can very stubborn and enduring. The work that it takes to quiet the inner critic may feel daunting, especially if there is a history of abuse or trauma. It can feel like you’re constantly taking two steps forward and one step back. But developing the ability to quiet (or challenge) your inner critic, even a little, can help your move away from some of the more destructive or unhelpful patterns in your life.
Emily Watson, MA, LMFT, GC-C
Reference: Walker, P. (2013) Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving. An Azure Coyote Book.
