Brain Injury, Couples, and Emotion
A brain injury happens to both people in a relationship. Your lives have changed in an instant. You have both experienced a traumatic event and you both may have many different emotions.
Injured partners may notice that emotions are more easily activated. It may feel as if you have little or no “emotional filter”. When you are part of a couple relationship, however, emotional changes do not happen in isolation. The uninjured partner may also experience many intense emotions. You may feel as if you are riding an emotional roller coaster. Feelings of sadness, anger, and fear are common for both partners. You may also experience anxiety, frustration, irritability, resentment, guilt, hopelessness, or helplessness.
Conversely, some injured partners may have the experience of being less emotional following a brain injury. This can look like emotional numbness, passivity, avoidance, shutting down, or a lack of connection. Sometimes it is difficult for the injured partner to identify emotions. Alexithymia (the inability to recognize emotion in self and others) may be present following a brain injury. These types of emotional changes can pose unique challenges for the relationship.
Both partners may feel overwhelmed by the number of changes occurring in their lives. The injured partner may have trouble adapting to the many challenges that can accompany a brain injury. This may include changes in thinking/cognition, emotion, behavior, sexuality, and physical challenges. Similarly, it may be difficult for the uninjured partner to accept changes in his/her partner, as well as changes in the relationship. This makes sense when you think about all the changes that your relationship is being asked to accommodate. Some common relationship challenges/changes include 1) changes in roles and responsibilities, 2) communication, 3) loss of dreams or a shared vision for your future, 4) sexual intimacy, 5) loss of connection with self and each other.
When you are feeling overwhelmed, there are a few things you can do to stay present and calm. These include:
Breathing
Mindful Breathing. Notice the inhale, pause, and exhale.
Deep Breathing. Breath fully into the belly (diaphragm) and then exhale.
Counting and Breathing. Inhale to the count of 4 and exhale to the count of 8.
Grounding
Notice your feet on the floor.
Take an inventory of everything you see around you.
5-4-3-2-1 Grounding Technique (name 5 things you can see, 4 things you can hear, 3 things you can feel, 2 things you can smell, 1 thing you can taste).
Take a Walk
Feel your feet with each step
Experiment with pacing
Take a Time-Out
Take a time-out when emotions are high, or when you’re feeling flooded.
Set a time limit (i.e., 15 minutes.)
Let you partner know where you’re going and when you’ll be back.
Most importantly, remind yourselves that you are going through something that is very difficult – something that most people will never experience and may never fully understand. You are both doing the best that you can. You both deserve compassion, understanding, and empathy.
Emily Watson. LMFT
