Grief and Toxic Positivity

Positivity in grief embraces the idea that two things can be true at the same time. It does not deny the one’s reality.

• I may have feelings of hopelessness and hopefulness.

• Days filled with deep despair and anguish may have moments of gratitude and love.

• My life is completely shattered. My dreams for the future just crashed and burned. But that does not mean that my life will never be purposeful and meaningful again.

Unhelpful (toxic) positivity values the appearance of normalcy over authentic experiences and emotions. It denies one’s reality.

• Ask yourself, what is really being communicated when we compliment people for putting on a smile after a tragedy or getting back to “normal” quickly.

• A widow may graciously accept the compliment that she is strong and doing well. And, this may be a true statement. But people are often more complex. And, there may be a part of her that is crying on the inside, “I feel shattered, terrified and alone. My husband just died!”

• Platitudes are often offered as a way of being “helpful" or “positive” - You are young, you will have more children, life is for the living, life never gives us more than we can bear, etc. These types of comments may leave the griever feeling ashamed of his own healthy grief response. If he internalizes these sentiments, he may disconnect from his feelings and even believe that he does not need to or should not grieve.

It’s not easy to be with someone that’s sad and we’re not always sure what to say after a death or significant loss. It may trigger memories of our own losses and feelings about death. Sometimes, we try to mediate our own discomfort and sadness by changing the subject or interjecting something “positive”. I encourage you to be aware of your own feelings and really listen after asking, “How are you doing?” You cannot fix the situation. And, the griever may not feel like talking. But, you have offered the griever the gift of listening with an open heart. And, you never know how this act of kindness will help someone during their darkest hours.