Grief: I just want to be with him
Yearning
Many people that are grieving experience deep yearning. In its most basic definition, yearning can be thought of as a grief response in which one strongly desires to be the person that is deceased. An example is a bereaved daughter eating at a restaurant. She tastes something that reminds her of her mother. Quite naturally, she yearns for her mother – to be close to her, to share this experience with her… just to be in her loving presence again.
The experience of yearning in grief is especially prevalent in close relationships like those we have with our spouses, children, parents, and siblings. And, it is processed differently in the brain than the yearning we experience after a relationship break up or other non-death losses. Some grieving mothers describe the experience after losing a child as “living in two worlds”. They may say that part of them died with their child. Or they may say that it feels as if part of them is in the spirit world with their deceased child and the other part is living in the physical world. Whatever your spiritual beliefs, the desire to protect and care for one’s child does not end when they grow up. And it certainly does not end with your child’s death. If you have lost a child, then you most likely understand the experience of yearning to be with your child.
People respond to yearning in MANY different ways. You may find that you engage in different responses, depending on the situation. A few of the most common are:
Avoidance. We simply avoid things that remind them of us of our loved one. When we experience yearning, we immediately do something to refocus our attention and energy.
Shift Your Emotional State. Instead of avoiding things that remind us of our loved one, we may choose to refocus on a memory of our loved one that brings comfort (and even joy). We recall a favorite memory as a way of shifting our internal experience. This can be difficult to do for many of us, especially in the first year or two after a tragic or significant loss.
Engage the Yearning. A third response is to allow ourselves to sink into the feeling of yearning. Sometimes when we allow ourselves to really engage with the pain, we may notice that we begin reliving details of our loved one’s passing or get caught up in all the what-ifs. Our minds may go in many different directions when you allow the yearning. This is normal. Our minds are trying to make sense of our new reality.
Yearning is part of the grieving process for many people. And it is adaptive to move between each of these responses. The response that you choose will depend on a variety of factors, including your surroundings and situation. As an example, it might be appropriate to engage in avoidance when you are at work and need to meet a critical deadline. However, an over reliance on avoidance can also contribute to prolonged grief.
Do you have a preferred way of responding to your yearning?
Note: It is important to distinguish between yearning and having an urge to die. If you are thinking about suicide, please reach out to someone. The amount of pain that you are in might feel overwhelming, but your life still matters. It matters more than you may realize in this moment.
