Ambiguous Loss: Frozen Grief
Ambiguous loss is unique and different from other types of losses because it is steeped in uncertainty. This uncertainty can impact one’s identity and relationships. People crave clarity but often find little. For this reason, it can be one of the most difficult losses that people experience. Pauline Boss (1999) describes ambiguous loss as frozen grief. She writes, “ambiguous loss can freeze people in place so that they can’t move on with their lives.”
One of the hardest things about living with ambiguous loss is that your experience is rarely, if ever, validated. Other people may not even see it as a loss. Some examples of ambiguous loss are:
Examples of Ambiguous Loss
Your loved one is physically absent but present in your heart and mind. Two examples are:
Military Families. Your loved one is away on military assignment. This can be an especially difficult time for many military families although few people outside of the military community are aware of the sacrifices made by military members and their families.
Incarceration. Another example is a loved one that is incarcerated. The removal of a loved one from day-to-day family life can be very challenging. Sometimes, family members are afraid to even acknowledge that they miss their loved one because of the immense stigma around incarceration.
Your loved one is physically present but changed in profound ways, such as severe brain injury, addiction, or severe mental illness. “When the loss is the result of a disability or illness, even strong families need help managing the stress,” (Boss, 1999). Few things can impact us like a loved one’s addiction or severe mental illness. It’s common to see high levels of anxiety within the family. They will often say that they do not feel like a “normal” family indicating that there is little understanding within society regarding the impact of these situations on their lives.
Your loved one is physically present and there is a shift or transition (i.e. religious conversion and gender identity). Research suggests that some family members experience ambiguous loss and grief in reaction to these types of changes. In the case of religious conversion or deconstruction, there may be a fear about their loved one’s eternal fate. Along those same lines, some may worry about the future of their transgender family member. And it is also important to recognize that this can be a profoundly difficult time in your loved one’s life, as well:
Religious Conversion or Deconstruction. When one begins to deconstruct a set of religious beliefs, they may lose an entire network of support, connection, and community. It is common to feel isolated and alone.
Gender Transition. Transgender persons can experience the same loss of community and support, but with the additional burden of having to navigate a rejecting, stigmatizing – and sometimes cruel - society.
With an ambiguous loss, there is usually a very real sense of fear, anxiety, and uncertainty about the person’s fate. It is common to feel alone, frozen, or confused - locked inside a painful loss that remains open and unending. Ambiguity and uncertainty seem to deepen the wound.
You may find that you experience many different emotions. It’s important not to compare your experience with that of others. We are all unique. Additionally, it isn’t helpful to minimize your feelings, just because your situation does not include death. Your emotions are valid. Feelings of loss and sadness are an expected response to these types of challenges and changes. If you are struggling, counseling may be helpful.
Reference
Boss, P. (1999). Ambiguous Loss: Learning to Live with Unresolved Grief
