Grief and Children
Do children grieve like adults?
Children grieve death and non-death losses just like adults. And like adults, each child’s way of grieving is unique. A child’s grief response is influenced by the child’s personality, temperament, and developmental level. Emotional openness and responsiveness in the home also play a part in a child’s ability to express and experience grief.
Unlike adults, children tend to grieve in spurts and can sometimes appear to be “over” the loss. However, some losses may be re-grieved during successive stage of development, An example is the loss of one’s mother in childhood - sons and daughters may re-grieve the loss when they graduate, marry, become parents, or take part in an event/situation that reminds them of their mother’s absence.
What does it look like when children grieve?
Children have many of the same grief experiences as adults. However, it is important to listen for things that are not said as much as things that are said. Children often communicate what they do not have the words to express through behavior. Regressive behaviors are common - such as loss of toileting skills, bed wetting, asking for a bottle or pacifier long after these items have been put away. Other common experiences include headaches, stomach aches, poor grades, decreased concentration, aggression toward self or others, frequent nightmares, feelings of guilt, changes in appetite, and hypervigilance for others’ safety. Adolescents may pull away, spend excessive time alone in their rooms, or engage in risky / self-destructive behaviors.
How can I help my child?
Be direct and authentic in communication. Give information that is accurate and consistent with the child’s level of development.
Walk with them through the grief, without pushing or pulling them along.
Encourage questions and emotional expression.
Be a safe space. Hope Edelman, author of Motherless Daughters, suggests that the most helpful factor in supporting children through their grief is having at least one stable, consistent, and caring adult in their lives.
Emily Watson, LMFT
Emily Watson Counseling
