Grief and Continuing Bonds
Does the relationship end with the death of a loved one?
Many people have been taught that moving forward after the death of a loved one means severing their connection. However, this idea has been revisited and challenged by grief researchers. As it turns out, some continuing bonds can be healthy and adaptive, while other bonds are not as helpful.
If you have the feeling that the relationship did not end with the death of your loved one, you are not alone. Many people experience the same thing. It is common for some bereaved parents and widows may talk to their deceased loved one. Children that lose a parent may maintain a bond by imaging being watched over by a deceased parent or they may maintain the bond by continuing the parent’s legacy. Some grievers keep an object of the loved one (especially early after a loss). Others write letters to the deceased. Sometimes, visiting places that remind us of our loved one can help us feel connected.
Connections with the deceased can provide solace, comfort, and support as you transition and navigate a life without your loved one. Some of the simplest rituals can create a sense of connection with deceased loved ones:
Wearing a loved one’s favorite color or jewelry on her birthday.
Listening to your loved one’s favorite song.
Setting your holiday table every year with the dishes owned by a loved one as a way of including him//her in your celebration.
You may also discover new or different ways to maintain bonds as you grieve the loss. Early in your loss, you may shy away from activities that you shared with you loved (i.e., dancing, eating at your favorite restaurant, etc.). However, you may discover that these same activities foster connection and well-being later in your grieving.
Difficult feelings do not necessarily mean that the bond is unhealthy. It is okay to feel difficult feelings in connection with your loved one. It’s okay to feel sad. It’s okay to miss them.
Sometimes, however, it may not be helpful to maintain continuing bonds. A relationship that was difficult in life can also be difficult in death. Some questions to ask yourself as you evaluate your continuing bonds are:
Does this bond bring me comfort and connection?
Does this bond support my growth and development?
Is it impacting my life negatively?
Am I able to bring this bond with me as I move forward?
How is this bond serving me now?
And some people do not feel the need to maintain bonds after death. There are many reasons for this. Grief is an individual process.
Emily Watson, LMFT
