Family Estrangement
What is family estrangement?
It happens when one family member decides to end regular contact with another. It is commonly called a cutoff and it is one of the most painful and complex things that can happen to a family.
How common is family estrangement?
Social media is filled with idealized images of families. You’ve probably never seen pictures of a family in conflict or struggling – there are no unfiltered images of tear-streaked, dejected faces. If you are estranged from your family, you may not know how common it is. You might feel alone and stigmatized as you scroll images of “happy” families. However, family estrangement is quite common and there are many others out there – like you - that are struggling with being cutoff.
A recent large-scale nation-wide survey found that 27% of adults have severed contact with at least one family member. That is approximately 67 million people.
Another survey showed that 10% of mothers are estranged from at least adult one child. Most often, it is the adult child that initiates the cut-off.
A recent survey revealed that 39% of undergrad student and 16% of graduate student were cut off from nuclear family members.
The most common time for a family cut-off to happen is between age 24-35. This is also a period of development known as young adulthood. During young adulthood, many desire more autonomy and independence. They generally have a more developed sense of their own preferences, likes, dislikes, and personal philosophies. Parents of adult children may have difficulty allowing for the level of detachment and differentiation necessary for a maturing relationship.
Why do people cut family members out of their lives?
This is a tough question to answer. Every family is unique, and every estrangement has its own story with many twists and turns. A few of the more common causes of estrangement are
a history of harsh parenting, abuse, or neglect,
reactive or hostile communication,
unresolved conflict,
addiction,
parental favoritism,
lack of emotional safety,
opposing beliefs / different core values,
lifestyle choices, and
rejection.
Within the LBGTQ+ community, parental rejection of one’s sexuality or gender is still common. Dealing with unacceptance in many communities is painful enough, rejection that begins at home cuts deeply and can have a devasting impact. Young adults that experience family rejection are eight time more likely to report having attempted suicide. Often, LGBTQ+ family members will hide very important aspects of themselves to maintain relationships with family members.
While there is usually a build-up, family estrangement may happen following a turning point or significant event. The turning point can feel like the “last straw”. Turning points are often accompanied by increasing family tension. Some common turning points are divorce, death of a parent, moving away from home, marriage (conflict with in-laws), or parent illness. The most common turning point for cutoff between siblings is the death of a parent, especially when there are clashes over inheritance. The legacy of a will extends beyond the financial impact. The will can be a tangible symbol of favoritism, disapproval, and rejection that endures over the remainder of one’s life with no means of remedy and no way to repair the hurt.
Why do these things lead to cut-off in some families and not others?
No family is immune. All families are imperfect. Estrangement can happen to any family. Providing a “decent” childhood does not prevent challenges and difficulties with adult children. However, families that support open communication, individual autonomy, and emotional safety are less likely to experience estrangement.
Why is family estrangement so painful?
Relationships are foundational to our well-being. When you are born, you must depend on others for your very survival. Family members are often the most important relationships in in childhood. The loss of these relationships is quite profound. We long to belong. We need attachment with others.
The silence of absence can be very painful. It is common to grieve the absence of family members from your life. You might also feel frustrated, angry, confused, and ashamed. And through it all, you may feel isolated and suffer in silence because there is a cultural stigma around family estrangement.
What about reconciliation?
Reconciliation is possible in many situations but not easy. Here are few things to keep in mind.
Take some time for self-reflection. How do you handle intense emotions, relationship challenges, and conflict? Learn to recognize your triggers. Developing new insight and learning new coping strategies may benefit you, even if you decide not to re-engage with the relationship.
Know your boundaries. As you re-engage in the relationship, spend some time thinking and talking about clear limits and healthy boundaries.
Remember that you and your family member are both complex human beings with vulnerabilities and challenges.
Avoid communicating while under the influence of alcohol or drugs.
You may need to change your expectations and come to a new understanding of your relationship. You cannot change someone else. Each person will need to decide which changes, if any, they are willing to make for the sake of the relationship. It may take some negotiation and compromise.
You may continue to see things (especially events in the past) from different perspectives.
An apology may not come in the way that you desire.
Estrangement freezes the relationship in time. Take some time to get to know each other, again. You may find that you’ve both changed.
What if reconciliation is not possible?
Take good care of yourself. Make your physical health a priority. Get adequate sleep. Exercise. Eat regularly.
Dedicate some time to nurturing and healing yourself. Self-care looks different for everyone. Choose what works for you – prayer, meditation, mindfulness, yoga, reading, music, dance, going on a new adventure, making time for rest & relaxation, spending time in nature, exploring new interest, etc.
Know that you may experience many different emotions – sadness, anger, confusion, frustration, or relief. Be gentle with yourself as you process different emotions. It is difficult to come to terms with a family member’s absence. This type of loss is rarely validated. Allow yourself some grace and compassion.
Build new relationships. Isolation can add the pain. Look for ways to build new loving, supportive relationships.
Write and rehearse short script for awkward interactions. People may ask questions or offer unsolicited advice. However, you are under no obligation to share personal or painful experiences. For those that you chose not to engage, here are a couple short scripts: “This is a private matter between ____ and I.” or “Surely you understand how painful this is for me and can respect my decision not to talk about it.”.
Consider counseling to help you work through your thoughts and feelings during this difficult experience.
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References
Carr, K., et al. Giving Voice to the Silence of Family Estrangement: Comparing Reasons of Estranged Parents and Adult Children in a Nonmatched Sample. Journal of Family Communication,2015; 15.
Gilligan M, Suitor JJ, & Pillemer K. Estrangement between mothers and adult children: The role of norms and values: Estrangement between mothers and adult children. Journal of Marriage and Family Therapy. 2015; 77.
Pillemer, K. (2020). Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them. Penguin Random House, New York.
Ryan, W., & Conti, R. Family Cutoff Prevalence and Distress Predictors. Journal of Psychology and Behavioral Science 2015; 3.
