Family Estrangement & the Holidays
Empty chairs, especially during the holidays, can be a harsh reminder of those absent from your life.
Families go “no-contact” for many reasons. Choosing to end a relationship with a family member may be an adaptive response to an unhealthy environment. However, nearly all estrangements are accompanied by a sense of loss, sadness, or anger – this true even if you are the one that chose to go “no-contact”. Images of happy families on Facebook and Instagram may add salt to the wound.
As you think about the ways in which your life and the upcoming holidays may be different, here are a few things to keep in mind.
It is okay to grieve, even if the distance is your choice. It can be difficult to come to terms with the absence of a family member. It is a real, tangible loss.
Use this time to nurture yourself and heal. Decide each day how you will take care of yourself – talk to a friend, volunteer, join a yoga class... This can be a good opportunity for self-growth. Get to know yourself better through personal exploration, reading, experiencing new adventures, or counseling.
Change your expectations. This holiday season may look very different from those in the past. Start a brand-new tradition. Be open to new ways of experiencing this holiday season, if possible.
Know that family estrangement is common. Most people just don’t talk about it. We are taught - usually from birth - that family should always stick together, work things out, take care of one another…. When our experiences contradict this expectation, people may remain silent about family cut-offs to avoid embarrassment or judgment.
Come up with responses for unwanted advice. For most people, the idea of family holds a special place in our lives. People may have a hard time processing something that does not look like the cultural norm. They may feel uncomfortable. And they may offer unsolicited advice. Sometimes the advice is helpful, other times it may be harmful. If you decide that you do not want advice from a specific person, it’s helpful to come up with a few responses to establish a boundary. Simple boundary setting responses might look like: “I prefer not to talk about this” or “This is a private matter, between ____ and I”.
Think about what a “chosen” family might look like for you. You may not be able to spend the holidays with your family-of-origin; however, it may be possible to build new loving, supportive relationships.
Emily Watson, LMFT
