Wondering how to support someone that is grieving?
One way you can show your support is by holding space. Your simple presence may be the most healing and helpful thing you have to offer.
Grievers often need someone to be present and bear witness to the pain, tears, and memories. They need someone to hold space for them. When we hold space for another, we show up without judgement. There are many ways to show up for someone (i.e. buying groceries, cooking, housekeeping, taking a walk together, etc.). But one of the most important ways of demonstrating emotional support is by listening – without an agenda or centering on your own experiences. Many people process grief through the sharing of stories. Their loved one has passed, but the memories remain (and may be even more important now). For some grievers, just saying or hearing the deceased person’s name holds great significance and brings comfort in the knowledge that their loved one is not forgotten.
If you are honored with the trusted privilege of holding space for someone, just know that you do not have to fix anything. Your grieving friend does not need fixing. It’s not your job to “make it better” or help your friend “look on the bright side”. It is their pain, not yours. Respecting their emotional autonomy and lived experience is a gift from which you will both benefit. Platitudes (i.e. “God doesn’t give us more than we can handle”) may soothe our own uncomfortable emotions about death and bereavement but may add to the griever’s pain - leaving them feeling discounted, misunderstood, or worse, shamed for a very natural need to share.
The next time you are sitting with a grieving friend:
Take a deep breath.
Notice what emotions come up for you. It’s okay (and may even be healing) to share tears and your personal experiences; however, be mindful of centering on the griever’s experience rather than your own.
Listen.
Be present.
In an ideal world, every griever would have someone holding space for them. Unfortunately, this is not the case. If you are grieving, you may have the added burden of actively seeking out connection and support. And this can be very challenging, especially if you are struggling to get through each day. Further complicating the situation is the fact that not everyone you reach out to will be able to hold space for you. You may be surprised at who shows up and who does not. Just know that their ability to be present is a reflection of their own fears, experiences, and human limitations. Most likely, it has very little to do with you.
One way that you can find solace and connection is by joining a support group that includes peers who have experienced a similar kind of loss. The loss of a child and the loss of a spouse are very different experiences. It might be helpful to connect with people who have “been there” or are going through something similar.
In closing, please remind yourself that grief is the natural response to loss. Be good to yourselves and each other. When we hold space for one another, with grace and compassion, we create a loving place where broken hearts can rest in tender care.
Emily Watson, LMFT
