Grief is the natural and normal response to loss. It is the day-to-day experiencing of the loss. That includes your feelings, your thoughts, and how you get through the day/night.
There is no timeline for grieving and there are no set stages / phases. Your grief may be relatively brief. Or you may find that you grieve, in some form, for the rest of your life. It might be helpful to think about grief as an experience rather than a process with phases or steps to move through. Like the vast majority of grievers, you will most likely move forward with your grief in your own way and in your own time.
There are no stages. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross first published her book in 1969 describing her theory regarding the five stages of death and dying. However, in the 50+ years since that time, grief researchers have not found evidence to support her theory. Instead, they report that one of the only common threads that they’ve found among grievers is that most will reach a place of acceptance. What they have discovered is that grief is a complex neurobiological process that affects the griever emotionally, physically, cognitively, and spiritually. It impacts nearly every area of a person’s life in multifaceted ways.
Grief is unique to the individual. You may be surprised or confused by your reaction to loss. Grief may be affected by coping style, comfort with emotions, personality, situational factors, personal beliefs, culture, and relationship with the deceased. It is common to experience a need to cry, laugh, or run away. Your emotions may ebb and flow. You may oscillate between confronting the loss and avoiding it. You may need quiet and solitude. You may grieve as you stay busy. Or you may find that you feel nothing.
Grief and loss may change you. You might find that you have new priorities. You may also notice a new sensitivity to the loss of others. Or you may even find that you question your beliefs. Some people question the meaning of life after a significant loss.
What does grief look and feel like?
There are no universals; however, some of the more common experiences are listed below.
Behavioral Experiences. Sleep disturbance, changes in eating, absentminded behavior, social withdrawal, dreams of the deceased, avoiding reminders, searching/calling out for the deceased, sighting, restless hyperactivity, crying, visiting places/carrying reminders of the deceased, and treasuring objects that belonged to the deceased.
Cognitive Experiences. Forgetfulness, disbelief, depersonalization (nothing seems real), confusion, difficulty concentrating, slowed thinking, preoccupation, obsessive thoughts of the deceased, having a hard time making decisions.
Physical Experiences. Exhaustion, tightness in throat, tightness in chest, heart palpitations, hollowness in the stomach, insomnia, lack of energy, fatigue, dry mouth, nausea, back pain, headache, abdominal pain, shortness of breath, dizziness, weakness in muscles, and oversensitivity to noise.
