I keep expecting him to come home.

Do you find yourself expecting your loved one to walk through the door?

This is a common experience. And current research suggests that there may be evolutionary neurobiological processes at work that create this phenomenon. Think about all the information about your loved one that has been permanently coded and stored in your brain and body – their smile, their routines, their smell, the tilt of their head, their humor, their warmth, their favorite food, the sound of their voice, and ALL THE MEMORIES you shared.  

Then they are gone.

But all that information is still there, creating a mismatch between all that you know and your current experience. Joan Didion (2005) writes about this type of thinking in her book, “The Year of Magical Thinking”.  Didion talks about not wanting to get rid of her husband’s shoes, just in case he needs them. She is not delusional. She knows that her husband is no longer living. Yet there is a part of her that expects him to walk through the door.

It takes time for your neurobiology to sync up with your new reality.

And it’s not just humans that need time to process and integrate loss. O’Connor (2022) shares stories of mother chimpanzees who carry their deceased infants for days, weeks, and even months after they pass. They will groom their sweet lifeless babies and loving care for them. Some chimpanzee mothers stop grooming themselves – a sign that they know their baby is deceased and that they are in mourning. Other members of the chimp community seem to know this as well and may take turns grooming the bereaved mother in a show of compassion while she cares for her baby. Eventually, the bereaved mothers will let go of their deceased infants. However, if the deceased infant is removed from the mother before she is ready, she will search endlessly for her child. She hasn’t been given enough time to integrate the loss.

One of the most compassionate things we can do for the bereaved is to give them the space, time, and support needed to integrate the loss, with the understanding that what they are experiencing is a normal and natural response to loss (regardless of how long it lasts). We are wired to believe that our loved one is not gone. They are caught between knowing that their loved ones are gone and still living with neurobiological processes that predict and expect their loved ones to return.

If you are grieving, be gentle with yourself. Take all the time you need.

References

O’Connor, M. (2022). The Grieving Brain: The Surprising Science of How We Learn from Loss and Love.

Didion, J. (2005). The Year of Magical Thinking.