Your Brain on Grief
The Neurobiology of Grief.
Our brains undergo some profound changes after a devastating loss. Your brain has a painful problem to solve. When your loved one was alive, your brain created a special kind of map for that person. And a lot of time and energy was used to create this map. It really struggles to navigate the new reality of loss and transform the relationship.
According to Mary-Frances O’Connor (2022) a neuroscientist and grief researcher at UCLA, we live in two worlds after a significant loss. She writes, “One world is a virtual reality map made up entirely in your head.” The example she offers is one in which you can navigate your home in the darkness of night because your brain has created a virtual map of your home in your head. We use the mental map to navigate the “real” world. This map is stored in your hippocampus.
Which brings us back to the problem that your brain must solve. The mental map no longer matches up with reality. When your loved one dies, they no longer exist in same dimensions that you used to create the map – time (now), space (here), and attachment (close). It might be helpful to think of these dimensions from the viewpoint of an infant. A securely attached infant learns that his caregiver will return when he cries out. There is security in knowing that she physically exists somewhere in time and space – even if he cannot see her. The dimension of “close” is the knowledge that he can depend on her for comfort and safety when needed. In this way, the infant creates a mental map of his caregiver that exists in dimensions of time, space, and attachment.
Because our brains have a hard time reconciling a new reality with our mental maps, we search for your loved ones. It is not uncommon for grievers to hold on to (even just to smell or touch) things that belonged to your loved one. We need to feel close to them. Often people turn to religion or spiritual practices to soothe the pain with the hope of reconnecting and bridging dimensions of time, space, and attachment. Religious rituals help us cope with our biological and psychological yearning to connect. And it is this VERY STRONG YEARNING that is at the heart of grief itself. An infant simply cannot survive in the world without his caregiver.
Our brains are also good at making predictions and filling in gaps when we lack information. As an example, let’s say that your deceased spouse got up every morning at 6:00 and started a pot of coffee. At 6:00 your brain still expects this to happen. When it doesn’t you are forced to take in and process two experiences that do not match up. Your predictive, map-creating brain is out of sync with your new reality. This discrepancy, which is sometimes out of our conscious awareness, causes a wave of grief.
The process of altering your mental map or predictions takes a long time. Your brain has learned not to make changes based on a singular incident or occurrence. It needs proof over time. With each wave of grief, your brain takes note and begins to slowly (very slowly – day after day, month after month, or year after year) create a new mental map with new predictions. This happens when you find yourself wanting to call or text your deceased spouse, share some special news, or plan an outing without your loved one. You can be waiting in the drive through line and suddenly remember that you only need to order food for one now. In those countless ordinary moments, your brain is slowly changing itself to adjust to a new reality.
Reference
O’Connor, M. (2022). The Grieving Brain: The Surprising Science of How We Learn from Loss and Love.
