Change, Personal Growth, and Loss
It is quite common for us to think about our identities as “fixed”. However, subtle changes may be occurring over time without our awareness. It is very similar to the physical changes that happen over time. If you compare a recent picture with an old picture of yourself, you will probably notice some differences. But, what about the internal changes? Are you the same person you were 5 years ago, 10 years ago, even 20 or 30 years ago? If not, what kind of changes do you notice? Do you know when the change began?
I invite you to think about your personal changes as you read through this post.
Personal growth – which is generally a net-positive change - can come with feelings of loss. A change in lifestyle, ending a toxic relationship, getting sober, stopping generational patterns of problematic behaviors, etc., are positive changes that may include some sense of loss. You may find that you have little in common with others in your circle of friends and family. They may want the “old you” back. You may even miss the “old” or “before” you. You may find that you struggle to find footing in your new identity.
It can take a while to fully understand and appreciate all that has changed within you. The same is true of friends and family. They may need some time to adapt and adjust. When it comes to family and friends, you may want to ask yourself a few questions:
Does this person know that I’ve changed?
Have I talked to him/her about how the changes may impact our relationship?
Is this person doing his/her best to accept the changes although there may be moments when he/she struggles to adapt or adjust?
The answers to these questions may help you determine the best path forward.
There are also times when we do not actively choose the change that happens to us. This is often the case with an illness, injury, traumatic event, or significant loss. These types of changes can be seismic and sudden. They may overwhelm your personal resources. You may find it difficult to cope. You may experience sadness, anxiety, anger, isolation, or frustration. These types of changes may also impact your identity, self-esteem, or relationships. Some changes can come with a loss of dreams, employment, confidence, security, social standing, and many more challenges. The process of reimaging and reinventing yourself may be accompanied by a long farewell to who you once were.
It is normal and natural to grieve the losses that come with change – even personal growth and positive change. The way that you reconcile these changes and losses is individual to you. But it is okay to feel two things at once. You may feel excited about the positive changes in your life while a part of you grieves. If the change is something you did not choose, the process of healing may take many unexpected paths. Reaching out for help – whether that includes counseling, rehabilitation services, or peer support - can be a positive choice.
We are never quite “finished”. We are always adjusting to what life brings – crisis, joys, challenges, new beginnings, losses, personal growth, or new developmental stages. We are continually being asked to grow, learn, change… and “let go”. Grief and loss are often natural companions to change.
What have you noticed about the changes in your life? How have the changes impacted you, your identity, or your relationships?
Emily Watson, LMFT
